I will totally tongue kiss Joe Biden if he stays in the race

I mean c’mon with quotes like the ones pulled by TPM? How can anyone not love this trainwreck of a candidate?

All we are saying is give surrender a chance

Well, after looking at the base and the polls and coming to the conclusion that it sure can’t hurt much, Barrack “so what if my middle name is Hussein and my last name is one syllable way from being Osama and i went to a Madrassa” Obama-lama-ding dong and Russ “I have no shot at getting the nomination even though I AM the base” Feingold announce competing Iraq proposals. Now, I kid about them looking at polls, Feingold’s been against the war since the beginning of time and Obama’s against anything that harms the Umma. So their plans are: on the Ding Dong side Out by ‘08 and Russ’s “If you won’t end this, Dubya, you fucking bastard, then by God I will!” plan.

I’m curious about whether either will come to a vote or whether they’re depending on the GOP to filibuster. My advice to the GOP would be to run, don’t walk, RUN to get both of these before the Senate. I don’t think either of them would pass as it’s far too close to ‘08 for anyone to be doing much more than posturing. While I am convinced that both of them are acting on principle and would be happy to see their measures passed, I think that they both fully expect the GOP to stop them so the Democrats won’t be forced to choose sides. Besides, can’t Bush just veto it?

Ari Fleischer is a Lying Bastard…Except When He’s Not

So Ari claims that Scooter told him that Val was CIA before the date that Scooter says that Timmy told him that Val was CIA. While this is all great fodder for the inside the beltway set and the pajamaheddin, does it make any difference? Is the left being set up for another year without a Firzmas? Is the case being used by Vulcans to push Slick Dick out the door? Will that embolden the Romulans? Where are the Kilngons in all of this? Is it all a big put-on by Q to make Picard renounce Earth? So I know too much about Star Trek, fuck off.

I have a piece due in my writing class for next week. Our class is on Tuesday so piece are due to be emailed to the class no later than noon on Saturday. We’ve got a bitchin’ web link thingamabobber that lets us email the whole class in one fell swoop from the class website. Nice, huh? I was going nuts trying to think of a topic. I was going to try to re-write Casualty in the Alternate Side Parking Wars as a longer and more in depth piece. I was considering a piece comparing the Nixon ‘73 cabinet with the Bush ‘05 cabinet with some kinda perspective on how both Presidents are looked at as criminal, but what about the people who served them. Neither was giving me wet dreams. Then this morning the Title and the first line came to me of the article I would write. It’s something that’s personal, yet accessible. It can be a local phenomenon or a landmark of international proportions. It’s simple, but complex. Now I just have to write it. And hope no one else has written anything too completely similar recently.

The Activism Agenda

Please tell the candidates in the ’08 cycle especially – Alexander, Collins, Coleman
and Smith and would be presidential nominees McCain and Brownback — that a vote
for the Warner resolution is the end of support for them and the NRSC.

Senator Alexander’s phone: (202) 224-4944. His e-mail form is here.

Senator Brownback’s phone: (202) 224-6521. His e-mail form is here.

Senator Coleman’s phone: (202) 224-5641.His e-mail form is here.

Senator Collins’ phone: (202) 224-2523. Her e-mail form is here.

Senator McCain’s phone: (202) 224-2235. His campaign e-mail form is here.

Senator Smith’s phone: (202) 224-3753. His e-mail form is here.

Senator Voinovich’s phone: (202) 224-3353. His e-mail form is here.

The GOP leadership, which need to announce that no resolution will voted on that
encourages the enemy, and that includes the Warner resolution or any cousin of the
Warner resolution:

Minority Leader Mitch McConnell’s phone is (202) 224-2541. His e-mail form is here.

Minority Whip Trent Lott’s phone is (202) 224-6253. His e-mail form is here.

Senator Jon Kyl’s phone is (202) 224-4521. His e-mail form is here.

Senator John Ensign’s phone is (202) 224-6244. His e-mail form is here.

Meteorologists run Amok!

I was watching the news here in New York last night and was treated to the dire forecast for today. The flashy graphics, the hyperbole, the shouted fear-mongering. I thought I was used to seeing the news’ obsession with overblowing stories, but this was silly even to me.

The temperature when I got up this morning was 12°F. Granted that’s cold, but to listen to the folks last night with their ridiculous statistics, “We haven’t seen it this cold since 2003!” or “Jim, since 6pm (this was the 11pm news) the mercury has plummeted from 28 all the way down to 24 in a tease of the freeze to come!”

I understand the need to stand out, but does it mean one has to resort to ridiculousness? I heard on more than one station the kind of silly comparisons to the past, “We haven’t seen temperatures this cold in many years (like 3 or 4).”

Do they realize just how stupid they sound hyping a normal winter day? It’s fucking January, you morons, it’s supposed to be cold!

Have they all bought in so totally to the idea that our unnatural warm spell this winter was the harbinger of global climate change that when things go back to normal they cannot believe it? It’s winter. Winter in New York is cold. So we had a longer than normal run of warmer days. That’s over now and winter is here again. get used to it. Buy a fucking hat and scarf and gloves and quit fucking crying like a buncha goddamn 3 year olds who got their lollipops taken away from them!

Take the Pledge

Hit ‘em in the wallet! The NRSC that is and the RNC and the RHCC and any other combination of R and C of which you can think.

So I left out the Colts

Did I intentionally leave out a mention of the the largest comeback in AFC Championship history that happened Sunday evening out in Indy? No, not really, I just ran out of time yesterday. Everybody outside Massachusetts is happy for Peyton even if he doesn’t want to talk about monkeys of vindication. An indication of how big this is after so many big game collapses by the QB’s kid is that Bill Parcells felt compelled to announce his retirement the very next day. Tuna knew that a Manning in the Super Bowl was one of the signs of the coming rapture.

Keeping with the football for a sec, my beloved Steelers announced finally that they were going to hire 34 year-old Omar Epps look-alike, Mike Tomlin as their third head coach in the last 38 years. Dick LeBeau is sticking around so I am not sure what this is going to mean as Tomlin runs the 4-3 (Dungy’s Tampa 2) and the Steelers for the last 20 some years have run a 3-4. The team is built for the 3-4 so they couldn’t just scrap it right off the bat, but it’ll be interesting to see how he and LeBeau get along. I do feel badly for Russ Grimm. I think he sorta felt like after Whiz left for Arizona that he was a lock for the job, but the Black and Gold have always preferred young guys. Noll was 37, Cowher was 34 just like Tomlin and Grimm’s 49. Too old and set in his ways to evolve as a Head Coach. I’m looking forward to this. I’ll miss the Chin and he’ll always have a place in my heart, but let the House era begin.

I am the Zogby Poll Terrorist

The next time you read a Zogby Poll I want you to bear in mind that I’m usually one of the voters. They contact me to do internet polls all the time and I have a blast filling them out. My demographics change from poll to poll and sometimes within the poll itself. I mean who can remember what one said the last time about where one was from, or how one was registered to vote or whether one was a member of the military. My two constants are that in the Zogby world, I AM a NASCAR fan and I am sure to vote in the next election. Why that is one of the demo questions they ask on every poll is beyond me, but they do. I mean why not ask if I’m a Broadway fan or a Soccer fan? I take particular joy in filling out a questionnaire as if I were a borderline Communist and then checking the “strongly Approve” box for Dubya. How many more like me are out there? One never knows…

Ace has this list of How To Be Annoying in First Class up and they’re freakin’ awesome. Obnoxious? Yes. Offensive? Undoubtedly. Hilarious? Ding-ding-ding!

I got nothing…

I really have no urge to write anything today. Like seriously, none. So, to borrow a line from Pete Fiutak, “If this post sucks, it’s not my fault…the Hamburglar used his evil mind control rays on my tin-foil hatless head to convince me that 4 cheeseburgers, 12 McNuggets and a small fry was a good idea as a Sunday meal.”

In a shocking turn that left even experienced political reporters scrambling for their laptops, Hillary Clinton, two-term Senator from NY has declared I’m in, referring of course to the 2008 Presidential race. This stunning turn of events certainly complicates things for front-runner in his own mind, John F. Kerry, and also for Joe “I wish I could stop talking, but unfortunately I seem to have a genetic condition which has resulted in my being unable to stop speaking no matter what the occasion” Biden. Reached for comment, The Breck Girl announced through an intermediary that this may force him to consider a new conditioner. From his cave in the remote region of the Pakistani/Afghani border, Osama says that he’s…what? What’s that? His name is what? Oh, I’m sorry, I meant of course to link to one of the other front runners for the Democratic nomination, Barack Hussein Obama, noted Illinois Senator and Islamist sleeper agent candidate to tasked with the mission to destroy the great Satan from within and finally allow Allah’s vision of a global caliphate. New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson stamped his feet and screamed, “That bitch said she wasn’t gonna do it! Fuck! I’m gonna look even dumber now than Sandy Fucking Berger!” An evil leprechaun from Ohio has promised to cut off American supplies of Lucky Charms if Mrs. Clinton does not back out now.

I’d joke about the GOP candidates, but I can’t review the list without bursting into tears and regressing to childhood at which point I can do nothing but suck my thumb and quietly but fervently chant, “Boobie” over and over again.

In an obvious and disgusting attack on Catholicism, the NFL rigged a game whose participants and outcome hearkened back to an ugly time in history when Christians were a staple of the diet of carnivorous animals. The Chicago Bears brutally and remorselessly mauled the New Orleans Saints 39-14, thus ending this year’s Cinderella story in football. Mayor Ray Nagin and Governor Kathleen Babineaux Blanco promised that neither of them would rest until it was proven beyond a reasonable doubt that neither of them bore any responsibility for this loss blaming an aloof and arrogant President Bush who was deaf to the needs of the chocolate people.

Brownback taps a Heine

From Caucus Cooler via Blogometer comes news that Slammin’ Sammmy “I’m so far to the right that I’m looking back at Pinochet dancing with Che Guevara” Brownback has hired Jay Heine as his political director for his soon-to-be failed presidential run. I don’t really give a crap one way or the other but it did afford me the opportunity to use the above headline, so thanks, Slammin’ Sammy.

Begin the Beguine

I just kinda like that title. I have no idea what it means, only vaguely remember the chorus of the song and haven’t the desire to really look it up and see what it means. Does that make me a bad person for using it? Does it? Does it? Fine, then fuck off!

I had my first writing class last night. Metaphorical will be pleased to note that one of the handouts extolled the virtues of George Orwell and passed along his six rules for writing:

(i) Never use a metaphor, simile or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.

(ii) Never use a long word where a short one will do.

(iii) If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.

(iv) Never use the passive where you can use the active.

(v) Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.

(vi) Break any of these rules sooner than say anything barbarous.

We were granted a special dispensation from rule #6 which I will surely test immediately and vociferously with a vitriolic volley of vernacular.

When asked in class to come up with a topic for an article, I totally blanched. My mind was more barren than the Bikini Atoll. The only thing that popped into my head was a bizarre idea for a person by person comparison between the cabinets of George W. Bush and Richard Nixon in their fifth year. I think it inspired one of my classmates to suggest for themselves the subject of whether or not the Dubster’s a war criminal. Oh won’t that be a fun subject to discuss at length with a roomful of people who practically cheered at the topic?

My classmates are a diverse group. Young and old. White and black and every color in between. American and foreign. Male and female. Hot and hideous. Supposedly there will be 13 in all. We had 12 last night. It was funny to hear the instructor quote my father, “If you’re going to be a writer, you have to write.” The Sage of Porter Street would be so proud.

I’m curious at this point whether blog entries constitute writing. Technically it requires one to sit at the keyboard and corral thoughts through the fingers, but does it actually fulfill the RDWA (Recommended Daily Writing Assignment, that’s not from the class, I just came up with it right here. Aren’t I witty? Aren’t I? Well? You could at least respond, damn you!)? I’m thinking that as an exercise of loosening the fingers and getting the synapses firing a bit it’s fine, but if it’s articles that I am to be writing then I need to actually start picking out some topics and doing some research and committing thoughts to ether.

Hmmmmmm, where to start? That whole Bush/Nixon cabinet idea sounds less and less enthusing every time I think it. I may expand and broaden yesterday’s Alternate Side Parking rules post into a piece. But in the meantime, I’d better concentrate on getting some work done.

Casualty in the Alternate Side Parking Wars

I left the apartment this morning around 8:25 am to move the car before leaving for work as I was in a Tuesday spot. For those of you who are not familiar with NYC, we have what’s known as alternate side parking rules. With most of New Yorkers living in apartments and space being a premium, many people park their cars on the street. In order to maintain some semblance of cleanliness (or at least to provide a jobs program and work for folks when there’s no snow to plow) the city designates that each street must be cleaned once a week. To make it less onerous for the many NYC drivers, each street is split into sides. For example, the street on which I live is a Monday/Tuesday. This means that on Monday from, say, 11am-12:30pm that side of the street must be free of cars. The same goes for the other side on Tuesday and so on and so forth throughout the city. Now within neighborhoods different streets are different days, but if you park on the street you’re gonna have to move your car at the least, once a week. More if you’re lazy like me.

So I left this morning feeling chipper and looking forward to the day as I strode through the crisp January air. I hopped in the Honda and headed out in search of a new spot, preferably a Monday spot since I have been a bit remiss about getting up and 4:50 am and heading off to the gym (earlier in the morning is usually better for finding spots as the people who drive to work have left and the lazy folks like me haven’t gotten up yet to suck up all the open spots). I turned onto Skillman and took my usual right onto 51st to try to catch a spot there as it’s a Monday/Wednesday, double the chances as opposed to a Monday/Tuesday. A car darted in behind me just as I noticed a garbage truck a third of the way down the block. Garbage trucks are the bane of parking spot hunters’ existences: they are too large to go around usually and spot every few feet. With a car behind me, I was unable to execute the patented slam it into reverse and plow blindly into oncoming traffic backwards move that has so endeared me to my neighbors. So I was stuck.

Oh, but it was much worse than I had feared. Not only was there a garbage truck, between me and the garbage truck was a minivan. The minivan eliminated any hope that I could try a go between the garbage truck and the parked cars and maybe knock a off a few mirrors, but get past the green clad bastards routine. Damn the minivan. But that was not the worst. No, unfortunately ahead of the garbage truck was a heating oil truck making his rounds and the heating oil guys are even less likely than the garbage men to make room for anyone to get past on a crowded street. Triple foiled. I was doomed to sit there, inching forward a few feet every three or four minutes for the better part of a half an hour. Meanwhile all of the good spots were being sucked up by those who had the foresight to avoid the dreaded 8:30 52st Street Clusterfuck.

Around 9, we finally made it to the end of the street and I was off like a hyena to seek out the scraps that he parking lions had left behind. it was another 20 minutes before I caught a bit of luck and saw a car pulling out two blocks ahead. I gunned it managing to cut off three people, narrowly avoid a baby carriage and two terrified Asian women and crash a red light in order to slip into a spot only one block down and one block over from my own little home. But it was almost an hour devoted to the wars. The spot was too far away to justify the time spent. I chalked this one up to laziness.

Alternate side parking is not for the meek.

The more things change…

I feel for the San Diego Chargers’ fans. I know it’s their own fault, but the Marty Mirage can be seductive. I watched many of my family succumb to it’s siren song back when he was guiding Bernie Kosar to the brink of the Super Bowl. I watched Chiefs fans I knew weep. So I knew in my heart that the Chargers were done. But even armed with that knowledge, I still was suckered into almost believing before the game. I called my brother to comment on interviews I’d seen before the game in which Marty seemed loose and ready. More of the Marty Mirage. Pats 24, Bolts 21

On the other sides, Peyton was pretty doggone bad, but the Colts porous D that let St. Angela’s Amputee’s Hospital for Children run for 163 yards has stuffed Larry Johnson and the Chiefs one week and the Ravens the next. Not only that, they pounded the ball into the Ravens vaunted D when it mattered. Pounded it. Oh and that kicker? Like Dungy mouthed so memorably, “Money.” Colts 15, Ravens 6

So it comes to this: Pats at the Colts for the AFC Championship.

And in the NFC it’s Bears/Saints.

Thank you, Becca!

Anyone who’s been peeking at the counter at the bottom of the page over the last few days would think that Mambo Palace has finally hit the middle of the lower half of the blog-o-sphere in terms of popularity. Over 200 hits a day! Now I know for some folks that’s chickenfeed, but for li’l ol’ me who’s lucky to draw 30 lost souls on a good day, it’s almost as big as the time Mickey Kaus linked to me. And I owe it all to Becca Mann, the erstwhile nekkid University of Louisville cheerleader. I thought maybe one or two days, but heck it’s almost a week now. So, thank you, Becca, wherever you are. I hope that someday I can return to favor.

Oh and my depression seems to be lifting. I think it was indeed nicotine related. maybe it was going off the patches, maybe it was just the 2nd week blues, I dunno. But thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who tried to cheer me up or offered a shoulder. I love you all.

Some Good News

Paypal has relented and the Adam Knox Fund will go to its intended beneficiaries. Thanks to anyone who made a call or sent an email or a letter.